When He Was Gone
I
left the world behind, as your shadow crossed mine
The
finger through my hair
locked
in a black and white photo.
Once
in a million years, a rose bled to death
but
the blood no longer boiled under a violent moon
Memory
was a bird that flies inside a bird.
She
ate up stomach and extracted a broken soul
The
sunset was a sinking ship on fire.
The illusion of sunrise was reflected
in the dying flame
Who
is crying in the wind to catch the final straw?
Tears
drill through the heart of a rock
without
cutting any vessel or nerve
When
he was gone, memory was just a overdue lie.
Obviously,
this poem creates a lot of images like “a rose bled to death”, “The
sunset was a sinking ship on fire.” It develops idea on how does protagonist
feel when he was gone vividly. In addition, this topic
express one’s hurt feeling can be accepted by most people. Therefore, it will
much easier to arouse people’s emotion.
•
What is not working (what
requirements of "good poetry" are lacking? or not quite working?)
A
good poem should be written in a concise
and accurate language. If a poem can express its idea in minimum words, it will
be a good poem. This poem has many words every sentence. It looks too wordy and
redundant.
The imagination is in disorder. There is no relationship between
one image into another image. What’s more, too much image will also distract
audience’s attention and ignore the topic.
•
What needs to be changed?
Simplification and fluency
•
Suggestions for how the poet might
change.
•
At first, it is better to make the
sentence short, which will make poem much clearer. Also, there are too many
images. I recommend only select one or two images to describe. It will make the
topic stand out and engage audience’s emotion at ease. In addition, it is good
to compress
large idea and rethink an idea, which make this poem more impressive. Besides, adding some connections among those images will
help to clarify the relationship between death and memory.
